Delusions of Adequacy

I suck at most things. This is most especially true in two arenas: 1) on the basketball court, where I trip over my own phosphorescent legs as I elbow everyone else in the face...and that's even before the game starts and 2)anything that requires a trip to Home Depot. I usually propel myself through home improvement projects by the sheer power of muttered profanity and by harnessing the dark, twisted core of hatred for tools that dwells within my little heart. So, naturally, after seeing dozens of brand new beautiful houses that are more than I ever dreamed I would be able to afford, I end up putting out a contract on a 100 year old Victorian farmhouse (no, not to have it murdered). It's the very definition of masochism. But no matter how much I tried to deny it...I've fallen in love with that massive, ancient bastard of a home, and I'm going to subjugate it like a midget in prison.
The house is ginormous. After we take all of our furniture and put it into the rooms, the house will still feel totally empty. While modelling it on the Sims, I could just hear the pathetic echoes of my futon stowed away in a huge, lonely corner of my office as it calls out forlornly, "hello...is anyone there? All of my furniture buddies are clear the hell over THERE....there...there..."
I'm a little daunted by it all, but still excited. All of my nerd endings are aquiver with the conveniently placed closet next to the living room fireplace...you know...the future A/V closet feeding to the plasma screen in the custom-built frame hanging above the mantle...with in-ceiling speakers. Pardon a drool. Best Buy is my strip club. The guy selling mp3 players still looks at me weird after that dollar bills in his polo shirt escapade. Some year I'll actually be able to afford it. In the meantime, at night after my wife is asleep, I'll sneak out my circuit city catalogues or surf those hot amateur electronics websites. I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime. I wouldn't do it if my wife let me spend thousands of dollars on absurd home theater accessories more often. Don't judge me. Plus, I only read them for the articles.