Lingua Frank

This blog goes fishing in my memory hole for stories that I hope will provide at least marginal amusement for all.


This blog is really about memories from my life...retold for the pleasure or yawns of friends and strangers alike. Bon appetit.

четверг, июня 09, 2005

Delusions of Adequacy

I suck at most things. This is most especially true in two arenas: 1) on the basketball court, where I trip over my own phosphorescent legs as I elbow everyone else in the face...and that's even before the game starts and 2)anything that requires a trip to Home Depot. I usually propel myself through home improvement projects by the sheer power of muttered profanity and by harnessing the dark, twisted core of hatred for tools that dwells within my little heart. So, naturally, after seeing dozens of brand new beautiful houses that are more than I ever dreamed I would be able to afford, I end up putting out a contract on a 100 year old Victorian farmhouse (no, not to have it murdered). It's the very definition of masochism. But no matter how much I tried to deny it...I've fallen in love with that massive, ancient bastard of a home, and I'm going to subjugate it like a midget in prison.
The house is ginormous. After we take all of our furniture and put it into the rooms, the house will still feel totally empty. While modelling it on the Sims, I could just hear the pathetic echoes of my futon stowed away in a huge, lonely corner of my office as it calls out forlornly, " anyone there? All of my furniture buddies are clear the hell over THERE....there...there..."
I'm a little daunted by it all, but still excited. All of my nerd endings are aquiver with the conveniently placed closet next to the living room know...the future A/V closet feeding to the plasma screen in the custom-built frame hanging above the mantle...with in-ceiling speakers. Pardon a drool. Best Buy is my strip club. The guy selling mp3 players still looks at me weird after that dollar bills in his polo shirt escapade. Some year I'll actually be able to afford it. In the meantime, at night after my wife is asleep, I'll sneak out my circuit city catalogues or surf those hot amateur electronics websites. I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime. I wouldn't do it if my wife let me spend thousands of dollars on absurd home theater accessories more often. Don't judge me. Plus, I only read them for the articles.


Blogger Beck said...

You sicko! Don't you know that filth like that ruins marriages?

But seriously, your house RULZ!!! (as the teens these days say). I can't wait to visit, and feel all the hauntings. Because you KNOW it's totally haunted. (I hope that doesn't freak you out)

You rock! Just let Shawna tell you what to do, and all the fixin' will go just fine.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Fracasar said...

There are places you can go to help with this kind of addiction- organizations that have been set up by people just like you to help with problems just like yours. The first step is just admitting that you DO have a problem. Go on. Say it. It's okay...
Now THAT is the bomby house. I hope you get lots of lubby there...

6:23 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

That's some funny shit, Bryan.

(Is it okay if I swear on your blog, Sean?)

10:08 PM  
Blogger slcup said...

I gotta say, the idea of Sean...loving himself to completion is both funny and, well funny. Thanks for the visual. By the by, your house sounds awesome. Older homes have so much more character.

6:50 PM  
Blogger arthur decko said...

hey there...i randommed my way onto your blog,and i'm damn glad i did. you are intelligent and hilarious and interesting and write well, and i hope you don't mind if i stay around and darken your doorway with inane and vapid comments that, although meant to be witty and dryly intelligent, are really just pathetic attempts that should be ignored...

4:35 AM  
Blogger Lucius Atherton said...

Cool! I'm glad you came by. I don't update that often, but check in every few days, and I should have something new. How did you find this blog?

6:04 AM  

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