Lingua Frank

This blog goes fishing in my memory hole for stories that I hope will provide at least marginal amusement for all.


This blog is really about memories from my life...retold for the pleasure or yawns of friends and strangers alike. Bon appetit.

среда, апреля 06, 2005

Determination in the face of Asininity (yes, that's a real word)

It turns out that I do have (spotty) internet access this week. So my readership which has recently doubled (to 2) can rest easy knowing that I'm here.
Ostensibly intelligent adults often fail to fully think through their ideas before acting on the absurd. I'm guilty of this ALL THE TIME. For instance, I've recently decided I'm fat. Not obese, but definitely pudgy. So yesterday I decide to swim laps in the outdoor pool where I'm staying this week. The water is effing freezing. I'm talking sperm-slayer frostiness. But I can't help myself, because I'm fat and if I don't swim like hell TODAY, I'm going to turn into my father (those who have seen my dad should understand the depth of my fear). I leap (yes, leap) into the pool, and instantly my lungs and other sections of my anatomy constrict into tight, angry little knots. But I trudge on, because I can hear my cellulite multiplying. I flail pathetically back and forth across the pool (did I mention I'm not a particularly fantastic swimmer?) gasping desperately for air as my fertility was forever obliterated (oh, well, I've already spawned offspring twice, so maybe I've met my cosmic quota). I get out a couple of times, but I'm drawn back within a minute each time because once out of the water, I can see my decidedly squishy middle, and am disgusted back into self-torture. I think that having already been in the water, it won't be so bad when I get back in. But it keeps getting colder. Finally, after about 45 minutes of masochistic obsession, I hobble out of the pool, quivering like a great pudding (that's great as in tasty, not big), my desperate breaths jiggling my quasi-rolls, and crawl into the shower where I curl into a standing fetal position and pray for a swift death.
My wife tells me I'm an idiot savant. I tell her to drop the savant part and she'll be warmer. After all, after my time in the giant liquid cryogenic freezer, one of us should be.


Blogger Beck said...

'Member that time I called you fat on accident? That was awesome.

4:35 PM  

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